Happy Birthday Dad.

I hope today you get to blow out your birthday candles, eat your cake, and have the best birthday. Even though I don’t get to be apart of your day, doesn’t mean I need to wish you any bad vibes or wishes and this is what I have come to realize in these past six years. 

Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a tricky thing because it is a constant uphill battle that must be done alone even though the load feels large enough to carry for two. Forgiveness has meant letting go of all of the hurt and pain that someone has caused me even when they don’t deserve it or even said sorry. I realized in me carrying around all this hate and loss in my heart the only person it was hurting and dragging down was me, and I know I am a good person and holding onto this only fills me with hate when I know I don’t  deserve it and I’m better than that. So here it is.

I forgive you Dad, not because you deserve it, but because I do. It’s time to take my power back and know I am in complete control of the way I feel about things and if I never let myself love and let go, it was never going to happen. It has taken me six years to even come this far along my path of forgiveness and acceptance, and it has been far from perfect. Some days I still struggle to not hate you to your complete core, some days I still can’t fight the feeling of utter grievance and confusion, and some days I still feel the need to text you and try to inflict any kind of pain on you to try and get back at what you have put me through. But the only constant thought that I can bring myself back to, and find some sliver of dignity is, why? 

Why? You are better than that! You are better than him! He has very easily taught you that when you are scared, hurt, or lost it’s easier to just lash out and find whatever way you could to make yourself feel bigger than others, while making others feel so small. I choose better, and I choose not to go through life needing to exert that kind of crippling manipulation onto myself or others. I cant imagine what kind of pain and suffering you must have had to go through to justify your actions and carelessly go through life not understanding the damage you have caused, but I am different. I believe in growth, acceptance, love, and care, and I could never go through life carrying the burden and load that you must carry and for that I am sorry. I am sorry you didn’t know better, and I am sorry you probably will never know better but its time I must move on, For Me. 

Six years ago my parents went through a relatively nasty and devastating divorce, and in the process I very much felt like my father abandoned me and our relationship in a very important part of my life. It felt as though my father chose not to have me in his life anymore and that he no longer loved me and this was a very difficult thing to try and wrap my head around when I was 17 years old. When I was going through our entire situation I could not help but feel so extremely lonely and isolated. I felt like I was the only person who had a broken family, who had a father that didn’t want to be a father, and in general just having a really shitty relationship with someone who at one point meant everything to me. I very much internalized everything, and felt like most of it was my fault and how do you tell other people in high school that you were unwanted by your own parent without making someone feel sorry for you? So for a very long time I took all of this sadness and hate and stuffed it inside,  trying my best to try and cope in whatever means possible. 

It wasn’t until I got to college where my mentality and out look on life really began to shift and change. I decided it was time to deal with my debilitating anxiety and stress so I began going to therapy, finding support outlets, finding some form of spirituality, and talking about my situation with whoever wanted to hear about it. The more I talked about what I was going through and the hardships I had endured the more I found other people who were dealing with the same situation as me in one form or another. I began to build a community of people who understood what it meant to have an estranged relationship with a parent and just how much damage this caused, but in talking we quickly began to realize that these relationships had nothing to reflect upon ourselves but upon the parent’s character. It is very hard to grieve a person when they are still living, and I had a really hard time trying to justify and understand where my father was at mentally. Eventually I started to really try and find the positives to help myself get through my situation and here are some of the things that I learned. I began thinking positive of the person I once knew and appreciating the relationship we once had, and realizing it is not my job to try and understand who he is today or justify his actions. I wrote letters to myself and my father, even though I didn’t send them, and it was therapeutic pouring the words I so desperately wanted to tell him into my letter and just literally letting it out onto a page (it was so therapeutic, everyone should try this on some level).  I began taking all of the blame and pain that I held inside and just gave it to the universe, it was no longer my job to carry this load. I learned that hurt people, hurt people and I will never understand him or his journey because I am not a hurt person. I accepted what my father was at face value and stopped playing the “what if” game, as if that was ever going to change anything. I learned to find solitude with other people going through the same thing and finding support within my family. It feels amazing to speak my truth and take control of the way I feel and no one can ever take that away from me. The last time my father and I spoke I told him that I had no interest in having any relationship with him until he could recognize what he has done to me and apologize, and it felt so freeing telling him how I felt, and putting the ball back into his court. Even through all of these huge steps I still stumble every now and then, but I give myself grace and care, and I pick up the pieces and I continue to move on. 

I wanted to write this blog post because I feel being in our twenty-somethings we truly decide here and now what we deal with and what needs healing. I was scared for a very long time to finally stop putting bandaids on this huge wound I had, and it was time to stitch together what needed repair. When you don’t fix and address your wounds, you end up bleeding onto others and very often you start to also inflict the same wounds onto others, and I know I’m better than that.

So here’s to forgiveness. Heres for the people who grieve dead or alive family members and loved ones on birthdays, holidays, and special moments. It hurts me so much knowing my father couldn’t watch me graduate college, be there for me when I got sick, or genuinely grow through life, but once again that’s someone else’s burden to carry and not mine. Here’s to the people still picking up their pieces and feeling alone. Here’s to the people currently going through their painful separations in life and feeling lost, but just know it ALWAYS gets better. 

All I can say moving forward, is this situation has made me such a better and more empathetic person and if I could help one person through the same situation then I would feel fulfilled. Life isn’t always easy but it’s worth it, and every day we must be the best human we can be and to love ourselves and others unconditionally. 

So Happy Birthday Dad. I send you love and light and I hope you had the best day.

P.s Thank you to my mother. Thank you for showing me nothing but unconditional support, humanity, forgiveness, strength, and power. You are the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I strive to make you proud every single day. I love you with my entire being. 

Cheers to our Twenty-Somethings. 

Rayna